Sunday, December 15, 2013

Time to let go


We went to the ocean this summer. It had been calling me for so long. For a girl who was raised amongst mountain tops I wonder at the deep pull that immense salty place has on my soul. In the mountains I feel at home….they keep me oriented…I know where I am and where I need to go. I love the feeling of looking up at their depth and height and the awe of looking for miles from their towering peaks.




When we lived in the south and there wasn't a hill in sight I often felt desultory….like a stranger roaming and lost. The only comfort was at the ocean, feeling the salt on my skin and the wind on my face. It wasn't the same as my mountains that beg me to climb, to conquer, to be in them…feel the rugged path under my feet and grit under my nails.  I can't swim…not really, and the uncontrolled impulsive power of the waves scares me. Yet there I stand, as long as I can, watching the waves roll and crash; only my feet brave enough to withstand the teasing waves. It soothes my soul, clarifies my thoughts and orients my perspective. Even now as I sit here in my mountain home I feel the pull of the rolling tides.




"The Lord still moves mountains, and still calms the raging seas." I heard in church today.

It made me wonder (but not really wonder) why I find comfort in the things that only God can control.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Flowers Shmowers


Slow down they say,

Take time to enjoy it they say….




But my feet pound the earth and eyes grapple the horizon and I am revived.

Just because you don't take time to smell the flowers doesn't mean you didn't enjoy the trail.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Rhythm Recognized

My little one strikes out in anger
fear in motion.

I gather him close.
Wrap him tight, arms full circle
my cheek on his.

I rock him back and forth
His tense body relaxes into mine.
He rocks too...deepening the rhythm.

Physical pressure
controlled rhythm
witness that he is recognized
loved.

Later I find myself striking out.
Anger filling my body.
 My smile, my touch, is all it should be
but the battle rips through me
jagged and bloody.

I try to mend it with logic, 
all I know to be real.
Breathe deep, refocus...
tomorrow will be better.
But it still burns.

I cry out
I'm done
I want it gone.

I feel the peace wrap around
music, rhythm rocking me
applying pressure to my spirit
witness that I am recognized
loved.

My body relaxes, sways with the melody.
I sleep.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Record the Mark

I have a goal.

Not one of those new year's resolution types.
The kind of goal that has been on my heart my whole life. 
Before I even knew it was there...
it was.

Maturity brought understanding of what I want, brought it into picture, but logically it has felt more like a just a day dream of a possibility...children's' laughter in the distance.

Still...I make plans.

Some goals are all about doing, checking off lists and being done.
This goal feels out of my control, but I am willing.

So I do what I can do now to prepare for the opportunity,
and I pray.

Then, just like that He hears.

A casual kitchen conversation reveals that God works in mysterious ways. The day goes on like nothing happened, but I know....I witnessed hope with my own ears; still my heart is a little slow to celebrate...still cautious weighing reality, hope....my own fear.

Still distant, but every step is counts, so I record this mark.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

2013

Enough.

Enough food.

Enough time.

Enough money.

Enough love.

I have enough.

I am enough.

You are enough.

He is enough.

Enough.




There are so many loud voices in the world and so many pressures and so much negative feedback. Our children are constantly being told that they are not enough. They are not good enough, or smart enough, or thin enough or rich enough. When they walk through the doors of our homes, and they must feel that they are enough. They must feel peace. Our homes must not be places of additional stress and pressure. They must be havens where each of our children can be valued and loved for just being themselves. As mothers, our role is to love and lead our children. In the words of Sheri Dew, “If we don’t show them there is joy in living this way, where else can they possibly expect to see it!”
~Elaine S. Dalton, A Return to Virtue

Friday, December 28, 2012

superlative

satan likes to whisper 
"wicked, unworthy, waste"
i listen
running in the dark
black shadows press
consume.
do i have a choice?

distant light
not yet pink
i think maybe
he lies.

breathe deep
run faster
not panic...
need

need to suck deeper
wake sleeping places.
legs and heart that want more
elevate me to runner's high,
superlative.

light encircles 
dark shadows.

beauty outlines 
the dim unknown.

illumination clarifies 
what once was feared.

fierce crave awakes...
faster,
i need to go faster. 
use it all til i'm empty
ready to be taken
filled with what matters.

autumn's claim burns gold
leaves and grass blaze around me
celebrating light
bright and warmth
full on my face

i seek it
suck it in
savor it
praise it

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Random Acts of Kindness...Year 5

I'm often surprised at how real, deep and even overwhelming the grief can still be. It's been five years. Five years to get used to not calling her when silly things happen. Five years to get used to not seeing her at family gatherings. Five years to get used to not sharing my life with her. I've done a lot in the last five years, but getting used to having my sister gone is not one of them.

However, I do have a better understanding of where she is and what she's doing. A better understanding of Heavenly Father's love for all his children. A better understanding of the comfort given by the Savior's atonement. A better understanding of how all life's mess can make me a better person....and that is why I love Random Acts of Kindness.

Random Act of Kindness began as a way to remember Ruth, Nick and Audrey, because that's how they lived, because that's how we were blessed during our initial loss, and because now that's how we choose to live our lives.

Now, when I feel that gaping hole threatening to rip me clear through, I can think kindness instead of pain.  Sometimes it comes on fast, when I need a quick save....hurry, smile at the next person you see.... make eye contact....say hello...ask and listen about how they are, what they need. And sometimes it is a little more deliberate, following through on a phone call or an invitation I've put off way too long. Little by little neurons are trained to be kind instead of hurt, to look out instead of in.

As the kindness habits grow it is impossible to not see the kindness I receive. A good friend taking my kids overnight, not just feeding and housing them, but caring and comforting....even taking my son to soccer practice. Ten total kids and she still manages to take mine to soccer. She is kind, I am grateful.



I notice the kindness that comes even when there wasn't a need.  The kind that comes for no other reason but that you are loved. I was up early, so happy to be spending time with my husband, but wishing just a little I could be with my family as well. We were on a morning run in a strange and beautiful park. We ran up and around huge red rocks and reached the top in time to see the sunrise. It was red from all the smoke from summer fires, and made for an amazing view. Who knew this was what my sisters were doing at the same moment...waiting for that sunrise...it wasn't planned to all be there together miles apart, but there we were. Even God couldn't resist getting in on a day of Random Acts of Kindness.

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